graybishop (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} graybishop) wrote,@ 2009-03-29 13:42:00 |
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The feelings of a Troll
I'm not sure if anyone will read this. More then likely not but I need somewhere to place my thoughts and woe betide those who might be inflicted by it in my currently sleep depraved and crazy mind.
I have come to realize that at the basic core there are 3 types of people.
Those who will do anything for things they want. . . I will call them mercenaries. They don't make up a majority of the population but on the whole you know when they are around. Now this doesn't mean they are necessarily bad, some people feel this way over food, money, and girls as an example. A few people I know are a good example of this. One example is with girls, they prefure human, female, and breathing and are willing to take 2 out of the 3 if they can (imagine at your own risk). They are generally the life of the party and most people like them for some reason or another and they also appeared laid back.
The next group is what I would call the warriors. They make up a majority of the population and for the most part if you don't screw with them they won't screw with you. An example I have is the warrior would save the damsel from the dragon and when she offers herself to him he would take it. Not closely guarded by their morals but on the whole are a friendly bunch.
The final group is the paladins. People who live to do good no matter what. Often thinking of others before themselves. They can be self sacrificing and some of the most generous people you will meet. They are sticks in the mud however, don't ask them to break a rule or a law, big no no. They are good to have around as they are dependable and steadfast but for the most part people don't bring them to partys as they are not as likely to indulge in the wanton excesses of the other in the room.
Now this is just a theory and I could probably find many classifications in the middle group I choose to be so vague about.
The real reason I posted this is because of something that happened last night to me. My friend Mandi (who is a good hearted and lovely girl should I say so myself and I greatly respect her.) was leaving for a date. I told her have a good date and she replied you too. Not that it was her fault, but this bothered me greatly. I have always tried to be the best person I could be (the last group (I could be full of shit too but this is what I see myself as)).
As I have said, those who have known great amounts of pain are for the most part the most kind. I have noticed though that people like to have me around, but don't like me being around. Let me explain before I just sound crazy. I have always for the most part had the respect and kindness of those around me after a bit of time of getting to know them and me. But no one has ever wanted to hang out with me, play video games with me, or even just talk unless they are having some troubles and want it off their chests (Don't get me wrong, I like being able to help people get things off their chests but I like normal people talk too). All attempts to do so have been brushed aside or told ok but never followed through. The few times I have asked a girl out they have either given me a similar response or told me they aren't emotionally ready for a relationship like that.
This floors me, I know I am intense but I would never ask anything untoward. Over the years I have come up with various reasons for no one wanting to be a friend I can hang out with and enjoy life with. Maybe I am really boring, I know I won't do anything risky like drink underaged but doesn't mean I will look down on someone who chooses to. Maybe I smell bad, I put deodorant on everyday and the long days I put some cologne on too. Perhaps I am just really ugly, which I have always thought of myself despite people telling me it's untrue. They could just be being kind for all I know. This is why I commonly call myself a troll. Many times when I was little my parents used to tell me that God made someone special for everyone and you are no different, and the little cynic I was and am replied yeah, He made her for me then her parents had an abortion.
This isn't to say I don't try. There is a girl I want to ask out so bad my soul aches every time I am in the same room with her. She has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. But I am afraid, one of the few times in my life I might add, I might scare her, I might make her run away, or somehow hurt her. Added to the fact I have absolutely no idea how she feels about me because we don't get to talk much only compounds the problem.
For the most part this is a venting of my soul, a minor respite in the depravity that is called life then I enjoy no more then getting shots at the doctor. I hope it doesn't offend anyone, as I stated this is some place to place my thoughts so I can regroup and take an assessment of the situation. Comments or criticisms are welcome if anyone would like to post them.
I'm not sure if anyone will read this. More then likely not but I need somewhere to place my thoughts and woe betide those who might be inflicted by it in my currently sleep depraved and crazy mind.
I have come to realize that at the basic core there are 3 types of people.
Those who will do anything for things they want. . . I will call them mercenaries. They don't make up a majority of the population but on the whole you know when they are around. Now this doesn't mean they are necessarily bad, some people feel this way over food, money, and girls as an example. A few people I know are a good example of this. One example is with girls, they prefure human, female, and breathing and are willing to take 2 out of the 3 if they can (imagine at your own risk). They are generally the life of the party and most people like them for some reason or another and they also appeared laid back.
The next group is what I would call the warriors. They make up a majority of the population and for the most part if you don't screw with them they won't screw with you. An example I have is the warrior would save the damsel from the dragon and when she offers herself to him he would take it. Not closely guarded by their morals but on the whole are a friendly bunch.
The final group is the paladins. People who live to do good no matter what. Often thinking of others before themselves. They can be self sacrificing and some of the most generous people you will meet. They are sticks in the mud however, don't ask them to break a rule or a law, big no no. They are good to have around as they are dependable and steadfast but for the most part people don't bring them to partys as they are not as likely to indulge in the wanton excesses of the other in the room.
Now this is just a theory and I could probably find many classifications in the middle group I choose to be so vague about.
The real reason I posted this is because of something that happened last night to me. My friend Mandi (who is a good hearted and lovely girl should I say so myself and I greatly respect her.) was leaving for a date. I told her have a good date and she replied you too. Not that it was her fault, but this bothered me greatly. I have always tried to be the best person I could be (the last group (I could be full of shit too but this is what I see myself as)).
As I have said, those who have known great amounts of pain are for the most part the most kind. I have noticed though that people like to have me around, but don't like me being around. Let me explain before I just sound crazy. I have always for the most part had the respect and kindness of those around me after a bit of time of getting to know them and me. But no one has ever wanted to hang out with me, play video games with me, or even just talk unless they are having some troubles and want it off their chests (Don't get me wrong, I like being able to help people get things off their chests but I like normal people talk too). All attempts to do so have been brushed aside or told ok but never followed through. The few times I have asked a girl out they have either given me a similar response or told me they aren't emotionally ready for a relationship like that.
This floors me, I know I am intense but I would never ask anything untoward. Over the years I have come up with various reasons for no one wanting to be a friend I can hang out with and enjoy life with. Maybe I am really boring, I know I won't do anything risky like drink underaged but doesn't mean I will look down on someone who chooses to. Maybe I smell bad, I put deodorant on everyday and the long days I put some cologne on too. Perhaps I am just really ugly, which I have always thought of myself despite people telling me it's untrue. They could just be being kind for all I know. This is why I commonly call myself a troll. Many times when I was little my parents used to tell me that God made someone special for everyone and you are no different, and the little cynic I was and am replied yeah, He made her for me then her parents had an abortion.
This isn't to say I don't try. There is a girl I want to ask out so bad my soul aches every time I am in the same room with her. She has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. But I am afraid, one of the few times in my life I might add, I might scare her, I might make her run away, or somehow hurt her. Added to the fact I have absolutely no idea how she feels about me because we don't get to talk much only compounds the problem.
For the most part this is a venting of my soul, a minor respite in the depravity that is called life then I enjoy no more then getting shots at the doctor. I hope it doesn't offend anyone, as I stated this is some place to place my thoughts so I can regroup and take an assessment of the situation. Comments or criticisms are welcome if anyone would like to post them.
